LAX Tom Bradley Int'l Aiport is a clusterfuck of oversized bags and giant cardboard box luggage today (as usual). I'm nervous about my flight to Beijing. There's a lot of ocean to cover and our pilots still have acne and look fresh out of Nintendo Wii flight school. Luckily if we crash land there's an entire Costa Rican soccer team to eat (Hey, it worked in that movie Alive).
The jet way is a nicotene patch graveyard. They clutter the walkway as we enter the plane. I think the Chinese either really like smoking or really hate not smoking (or both). It turns out, they smoke on the plane anyway in the bathrooms (though I think it was mostly our prepubescent pilots).
The inflight movie is Daredevil. Damn, Ben Affleck is a fist full of assholes for making that one. It's agonizing. Ps, big black guy from Green Mile, what happened to you? And director guy from Swingers, really?
Shortly before landing our stewardesses introduce us to their new job duty. Taking our temperature before we land to make sure no one brings the dreaded pig flu into China. They come through the cabin with a laser temperature gun and shoot each passengers forehead. My temperature is cool (like me :0). Unfortunately, pink jump suit girl next to me has a high temperature. It turns out several passengers have abnormal temps. So what to they do? Quarantine? Nope, turn up the AC on the plane and turn it into a flying icebox. So tricky.
Well, as soon as we land and are about to get off of the plane we are told we will be boarded by the infection control team. These guys don't mess around. Seriously. I thought I was in an X-files episode. Six guys in white Tyvek biohaz suits get on the plane and use their super laser guns to sweep across all of our foreheads. Pink jump suit girl is concerned but they let her go with instructions to wear a mask. As soon as we got off of the plane some guy just hurled over and over. Yep feeling good about this one. Ahhhh...welcome to China...welcome to the swine flu diaries
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